A Winter's Tale
by Shonetta
Summary: Voyager's return brings reflection and reconciliation. J/C
1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**A Winter's Tale**

**Chapter One**

**2379**

With a glass of warm red wine in his hands, Chakotay watched as his captain and crew danced in celebration of their homecoming in the magnificent hall of Hotel Rosalere. Behind him were glorious arched windows that reflected golden candlelight, and outside them snow fell softly on a rugged black mountain. Many Starfleet parties had been held in this prestigious hotel over the years and it was here that Starfleet had chosen to welcome back to Earth its Delta Quadrant heroes. The hotel was over two hundred years old and was said to be haunted by many ghosts, but it was ghosts of a different kind that haunted Chakotay as he watched Kathryn dance.

"What's this?" the Doctor said as he approached. "Our handsome Commander Chakotay a wallflower? I would have thought you'd be fighting off the ladies!"

"I'm just taking a breather," Chakotay replied. "And I could say the same about you. I haven't seen you dancing in a while."

"That's because I've been in great demand," the Doctor answered. "I've given no less than five interviews in the last half an hour. Five." He sighed. "Some say celebrity is a burden but I'm quite sure I'm going to enjoy it."

"Then you are welcome to my share," Chakotay smiled. "I've never been one for the limelight. But I know we maquis owe our exoneration to our celebrity so I have to be grateful for that."

"Indeed. I'm so happy that you've been exonerated. It would have been just awful had officers carted you former delinquents off to jail as soon as Voyager touched ground! I'm so glad they pardoned you. Oh it's been a great day, Commander, a great day. When Admiral Davies promoted Harry Kim to Lieutenant, and Admiral Paris made the Captain an Admiral, my holographic heart almost burst from joy and pride! All the other promotions were well deserved too, no doubt about it, but those two especially got to me."

"To me too," Chakotay confessed. "But I'm also glad that you've been recognized as a sentient lifeform and that Seven has been welcomed with open arms. I feared she'd be regarded with hostility because of her Borg history."

"I did too, but she's quite the heroine!" He paused. "It seems I owe you an apology, Commander. I insinuated earlier that your feelings for Seven are more than platonic, when it turns out I got the wrong end of the stick. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted, Doctor," Chakotay said. "But what gave you the idea in the first place?"

"Something I heard. But I was wrong and I'm glad Seven corrected me before I made a public fool of you, her and definitely me." Just as he was about to make a public remark on their 'courtship', Seven had drawn him aside and confessed that her only relationship with Chakotay was with his hologram.

Chakotay laughed softly. "Look ere you leap, Doctor. Seven has a great mind and is a very beautiful woman, but I have no romantic feelings towards her."

"Just as well," the Doctor said. "Because I've just heard from Reginald Barclay that a group of self-liberated drones were picked up a few months ago by a ship in deep space and that Seven's former virtual boyfriend, Axum, is one of them. He is all she can talk about now and any feelings she might have had for you are well and truly history. Which is a happy ending for you, just not for me."

"Don't be so sure, Doctor," Chakotay replied. "Woeful beginnings often have happy endings."

The dancefinished and Kathryn approached. She was wearing a strapless gown of blue satin and Chakotay could hardly breathe as he gazed at her.

"How are you enjoying the party, Doctor?" she asked.

"Immensely," he smiled. "And may I congratulate you again on your promotion."

"Some would say punishment," she teased. "Keeping me behind a desk keeps me out of space."

A tall woman with black hair called from behind the banquet table to the Doctor and he waved back with a smile. "Excuse me, comrades, I'm wanted. See you soon!"

With that he left, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone.

"I can't believe this is really happening," Kathryn said, "that we're really home. I keep thinking I'll wake up any moment and find myself back in my bed on Voyager."

"It is happening," he smiled. "At least I think so."

Kathryn laughed softly and then picked up a glass of wine from a stand. "I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and yet...and yet I'm going to miss Voyager too."

"So am I."

"It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone. I never thought about that. All I ever thought about was getting us home."

"And you did," Chakotay said. "I always knew you would. I'm just sorry that our homecoming has to be celebrated here. You always said you wanted it anywhere but here."

"I know. But now that it is here, I really don't mind. I'm too happy to care. Our crew is home and that's all that matters." She paused. "I'm going to be staying here for a few days, just to make sure everyone's ok. What are your plans? You must be eager to leave for Trebus."

"Yes. But I'm staying on here for a few days too."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and gazed into her wine. "How long will you be gone? I mean...how long will you stay on Trebus?"

"I don't know. A few weeks, maybe. I've been offered a research post in New Mexico and I'd like to take it. I don't want to serve on another ship, at least not for a while. The Delta Quadrant has more than satisfied my hunger for exploration."

"Ditto."

Their eyes met again and for a long moment they gazed at each other. Then Kathryn put down her glass and held out her hand to Chakotay. "Dance with me. We always said we'd celebrate getting home with a waltz."

"We did," he smiled. "And I'd love to."

Kathryn smiled in return and Chakotay reached for her hand, but just as he was about to take it, a tall admiral with black hair took it instead.

"I claim this dance, Katie," he said. "Your First Officer has seen your face every day for the passed seven years, I want the privilege of having it all to myself for at least five minutes."

Kathryn laughed and turned to him. "Brett Andrews, you never change. A charmer to the end! But this dance is spoken for."

"It is," he said. "By me. You don't mind, do you, Commander?"

"No," Chakotay replied quietly. "Be my guest."

The man beamed a smile and kissed Kathryn's hand. "You're all mine, lady."

Kathryn laughed inspite of herself. "Very well, but for this dance only. Chakotay, reserve me the next."

The Admiral led her onto the dance floor and Chakotay watched them dance for a while. They danced well together, sweeping gracefully across the floor as though they'd danced together a thousand times before. Perhaps they had. Even though Chakotay knew Kathryn better than he'd ever known anyone, there was still so much about her that he didn't know. She rarely opened up to him about the personal. On Voyager she had insisted on keeping a barrier between them and he wondered if she would now. He hoped with all his heart that she would finally let it down, that she'd finally let him love her, but Kathryn was like a gust of wind: impossible to hold. Over the years he had tried hard to stop loving her, but the harder he had tried, the more he had loved her. Now that love was like a constant ache, an ache that he suffered every day, and he could only hope that it would either end by being requited or extinguished. Slowly, Chakotay turned away from the dance floor to the window behind him. The view over the winter wonderland outside was breathtaking, but as Chakotay looked out at the snowy mountain below, it wasn't the view he was seeing, it was something else. It was the ghost of a young woman with long auburn hair running desperately into the icy wilderness.

End of Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**A Winter's Tale**

**Chapter Two**

**2350**

Lieutenant Chakotay stood before a long table in the great hall of Hotel Rosalere and filled his plate with food. The occasion was Starfleet's annual Admiral's New Year's party and he had been invited by his research supervisor, Admiral Felis. They had decided to stay for the weekend, as a conference on stellar archaeology was being held at the same time, and Chakotay was staying alone in a luxury cabin in the hotel's grounds. As a young lieutenant at a party for admirals, Chakotay felt somewhat out of place, but the presence of other star-students and officer's sons and daughters made the event bearable. The party was definitely a good opportunity to get his face and name known by Starfleet's finest and he was grateful for that. Suddenly, a beautiful young woman with long auburn hair over a gown of yellow velvet caught his eye and he found himself gazing at her. She was standing near the doorway, evidently having just entered, and was talking with an Admiral. Chakotay could hardly breathe as he gazed at her, and he continued to gaze at her as she left the Admiral and talked to someone else. Then she looked around the room and her face lit up radiantly when her eyes fell on a man standing at the table. He was tall, handsome, and had wavy black hair that was graying. Quickly, the young woman walked over to him and called to him happily. "Max!"

The man tensed at the sound of her voice and turned to her rigidly. "Cadet Janeway."

There was a woman standing beside the man, a pretty blonde woman of middle-age, and she smiled warmly at the girl. "Janeway? You must be Edward's daughter. I'm Captain Teresa Kale, Max's wife."

At this, the young woman's face fell and she turned deathly pale.

"That's right," Max said, putting his arm around her. "My other half. Or perhaps I should say half and a whole. We're expecting our first child."

The young woman raised her hand to her brow and swayed as though she was going to faint.

"Are you alright, dear?" Teresa asked. "You look very pale."

"No doubt it's the heat in here," Max said. "I'll take her to the foyer, get her a glass of water."

"Good idea," his wife said. "Do you want me to come too?"

"No, you stay here."

With that he lead the young woman away and ushered her out of the room. Chakotay hoped she would return with him, as he really wanted to talk to her, but when the man returned half an hour later, he returned alone.

"How is she?" his wife asked.

"Not good," he replied. "She thinks she's coming down with something and has gone back to her cabin."

"Alone? It's blowing a blizzard out there."

"She'll be fine." He held out his hand to her. "Come on, dance with me. I want every man to see me dance with the most beautiful woman in the room."

Teresa smiled at that flattery and took his hand. "I'll all yours, Sir."

As they walked onto the dance floor, Chakotay went over to a window and looked out. It was difficult to see the ground below because of the snow and the reflecting lights, but the lamps outside gave enough light for him to make out people and cabins. He hoped to see the young woman that had so struck his senses so he could see which cabin she went to, even though most of the cabins were to the left side of the hotel and were out of view. Why he wanted to see which cabin was hers he didn't quite know, but she was like a magnet drawing him and he had to know. For a long moment he saw nothing, nothing but log cabins in a white wilderness, then he saw a thin figure with auburn hair run from the hotel's walled garden and onto the path. Down it she ran, her hair blowing wildly in the wind, and ran on and on well passed the turning for the cabins. A knot of anxiety tied in Chakotay's stomach and it tightened when he saw her run on and on until she disappeared into the wilderness. While he wasn't very familiar with this territory, he knew it well enough to know there was nothing down that way except deadly cliffs. Feeling with every part of him that something was wrong, he left the hall without a word to anyone, replicated a tricorder and torch in the foyer, and hurried after her into the wild.

For the best part of forty minutes, Chakotay searched in the freezing blizzard for the woman, but he could not find her. Then, just as he was beginning to think he was worrying about nothing, his tricorder picked up a female human lifesign about fifty meters away. Chakotay made his way to her co-ordinates as fast as he could, treacherous ice and poor light slowing him down, and when he got there he found himself at the edge of the killer cliffs. According to his tricorder the woman was nearby, but he couldn't see her anywhere. Then he saw something auburn ripple in the wind and he flashed his light on the spot. His heart stopped at what he saw. The woman was lying unconscious in the thickening snow. Quickly, Chakotay went over to her and examined her with his tricorder. She wasn't hurt, except for a bruise on her face, but was suffering from severe hypothermia and exposure. Gently, he lifted her out of the snow, cast her over his shoulder, and headed back towards the hotel. At first the woman was very light to his athletic frame, but the further he walked through the deepening show, the heavier she weighed. At last he reached the turn off for the cabins and he carried her down the walkway to his own. He had guessed the reason for her desperate flight to the cliffs and, if he was right, he knew she wouldn't want him to report this unnecessarily. Her condition was one he could easily treat with a medkit and every cabin had one.

When he arrived at his cabin, Chakotay carefully lay the young woman down on a couch and treated first her hypothermia, then her facial injury. He noticed bruising on her arms too, as though they'd been squeezed too harshly by hostile hands. After doing all that needed to be done, he put a blanket over her and then sat in a chair opposite to wait for her to wake up. She did so slowly, stirring at first, then opening her eyes and looking groggily around.

"Welcome back," Chakotay said kindly.

The woman's eyes turned in his direction and she looked at him hazily. "Where am I?"

"In my cabin," he replied. "Safe. I found you on the cliffs."

Tears filled the woman's eyes as everything came back to her and she turned away. "You should have left me. I don't want to live anymore, I don't."

Chakotay's heart went out to her and he wanted to take her pain away, but he knew there was nothing he could do except listen and talk.

"That's how you feel now," he said, "but you'll soon come to see that he's not worth it. He's not even worth crying over, let alone dying over."

Her blue eyes fixed on his again and she sat up in agitation. "He? What do you know of this?"

"I was at the party," he said, "I heard everything that passed between you and that Admiral. It doesn't take a genius to figure it all out." He paused. "He played you along, didn't he? He didn't tell you he was married."

The woman lay against the cushion underneath her and wept softly. "No. Oh God I've been so stupid. I thought he loved me, I thought....Why didn't you let me die out there? Why?"

"Because what kind of a man would that make me? I know you're hurting now, and I can't imagine what you're going through, but ending it all isn't the answer."

The woman made no reply, just wept painfully, every sob knifing Chakotay's heart.

"I know you don't know me," he said, "but if there's anything I can do to help, just name it."

"You could have helped by leaving me on the cliffs," she said. "I wish you had, I so wish you had."

"You don't mean that," he replied. "If you'd really wanted to end it all, well, you wouldn't be here now. You'd be at the bottom of the cliffs. You've got fire in your soul, I saw that at the party, and such fire doesn't die easily."

Again she made no reply, just wept.

"Would you like a hot chocolate?" he asked. "I could do with one."

"I just want to be left alone," she sobbed.

"Sorry, that's off the table. You're recovering from severe hypothermia and exposure. Either you stay here or I call the hotel's sanatorium. It's your choice."

The woman sad nothing for a moment, then she sat up and turned to him. "Ok, I'll have that hot chocolate."

Chakotay smiled warmly. "Coming right up."

He replicated two mugs of creamy hot chocolate and the woman took hers with trembling hands. Chakotay then sat opposite her and took a sip of his drink before speaking.

"I'm Kay, by the way. You're Jane?" He hadn't quite caught her name but it sounded something like Jane.

The woman hesitated, but then nodded.

"Are you an Admiral's daughter?" He'd caught something about her being someone's daughter.

"Who I am is none of your business," she said sharply. "None of this is any of your business."

"No," he agreed. "I'm sorry."

The woman brushed her wild hair away from her face in frustration and then put down her drink. "No, I'm sorry. You're being real nice to me and I...I just don't want you to be nice. I don't want you around. I don't want anyone around."

She started to cry again and hung her head as sobs wracked her thin body.

"There are people you can talk to," Chakotay said. "People who can help. Don't be afraid. You're not the only one this has happened to. It happens all the time. There are people who can help you decide what to do."

"Do?" she cried. "About what? What can I do? I was a married man's bit on the side. What is there to do about that?"

"I didn't mean about him," Chakotay said. "I meant about the baby."

"Baby? His baby? What's that to do with me? I..." Her words trailed away as a terrible realization dawned on her. "Oh god, I'm pregnant, aren't I? Oh God!"

Chakotay bit his lip and kicked himself for the indiscretion. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you knew."

The woman buried her head in her hands and wept again. "I'm so dead. When my father finds out...Oh God! He can't....he can't find out. Oh God!"

"As I said, there are people who can help. You don't have to face this alone. And you mustn't think about your father or anyone else, just about yourself, about what you want. You're not your father's possession, you're your own person. It took me a long time to learn that. We have to live our lives our way. Only then can we truly embrace life."

"That's so easy for you to say," she cried. "You're not eighteen and pregnant! Oh God, how could I be so stupid? I just thought we were forever. Forever and ever. He said he loved and me...Oh God!"

"He's a scumbag, Jane. A lying cheating scumbag. If it wouldn't make things worse for you, I'd go back to the party right now and give him a piece of my mind. Men like him make me sick."

"You can't ever mention this to him," she sobbed. "To anyone. Please...Promise me you won't."

"On one condition," he replied. "That you promise me you won't do anything stupid. That you'll get help."

"I'll have to, won't I?" she said. "Oh God."

"Is that a promise?"

She nodded tearfully.

"Then I promise too."

The woman lay back down under the blanket and wept softly.

"Is there anyone I can call?" Chakotay asked. "A friend, a sister?"

She shook her head.

"Who are you here with?"

"My father," she answered, "only he's not actually here. He got called away. That's Daddy for you, never around." She sobbed, sniffled. "I never thought he'd be here, Max. I thought he was on Vulcan. But when I saw him, I thought he'd come to surprise me. He's like that, always surprising me. I thought he wanted to keep things secret because of our ages, but it's because he's married. And now he's having a baby and I'm...Oh God. I'm so stupid!"

"You trusted him, Jane, and he betrayed that trust. That doesn't make you stupid."

"It does. I'm the stupidest woman in the federation. Why didn't I see it? I should have, I should have seen it!"

"Sometimes we only see what we want to see and, well, some people are just good liars."

"I'll never trust another man again, ever," she wept. "Not ever."

"We're not all cheats and liars," Chakotay said, "don't hold up this man as an example of all men. I'd never fool around if I was married. There's nothing I value more than loyalty."

"That's what he said. He said so many things, and I believed him. God, he must have laughed at me. Naive, stupid, cadet, falling for every line he spun. I suppose I'm just another trophy in his collection, another stupid virgin that he popped."

Suddenly a voice spoke. "Felis to Kay."

Chakotay hit his commbadge. "Kay here."

"Where are you? I've been looking all over."

"I'm not feeling too good, Sir," Chakotay answered. "I think I'll call it a night."

"Ok. I hope you're not catching this zinron flu going around. Report to the sanatorium if you get symptoms."

"I will, Sir, but I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow."

"Ok. See you then. Felis out."

The connection terminated.

"You don't have to miss the party on my account," the woman said. "Go back there, make yourself known to the big wigs. That's why you're here, isn't it?"

"I'm ambitious," Chakotay admitted. "I won't deny that. But there'll be other parties. Right now I'm more worried about you than my career."

"Well you don't have to be, I'm fine."

"I don't think so. And until I'm sure you are, you're staying here. I have a spare room, you can sleep there. "

Some of the fire he knew was inside her sparked up now. "Who made you my guardian? I'll leave when I damn well want too!"

"Not on my watch. Like I said, you're either staying here or at the sanatorium."

"Don't you know that's blackmail?" she said, getting to her feet. "You have no right to keep me here or threaten me! You think you're some kind of doctor in shining armor but not even doctors can keep people in without their consent!"

Chakotay stood too. "I'll call the sanatorium, then." He hit his commbadge. "Kay to..."

"No," she yelled, pulling his hand away. "You know I don't want that!"

"Then you're staying?"

The woman was about to shake her head defiantly, but instead she crumbled and nodded. "Ok. But only tonight, understand? I leave first thing in the morning."

"Deal," Chakotay smiled. "Now, I'll make up the bed. You need to rest."

He made up the bed as quickly as he could and then showed the woman to the room

"It's ensuite," he said, "and there's clean towels on the rack. Anything you need, just give me a shout. I'll be in the lounge."

"Thanks, I guess," she said. "But I'm a big girl, you don't need to babysit me. Go back to the party"

"And have you sneak away? I don't think so."

"If I was going to sneak away, I'd have done it by now."

Chakotay had to smile at that. "I believe you. But I'd rather not take any chances. So, like I said, I'll be in the lounge if you need me."

"And like I said, I won't, but thanks."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You'll get through this, I know you will."

Tears filled her eyes and she lowered them. "This is the worst night of my life."

"I hope it is," Chakotay said. "Because as bad as things are for you, they could be a lot worse. So your boyfriend's a cheat? There are better boyfriend's to be got. And as for the baby, well, every life's a blessing. It's death that should be grieved. If this does turn out to be the worst night of your life then you're going to have a charmed one."

The woman looked up at him with infinite pain in her eyes. "You don't know anything, do you? To hell with your advice, I've heard enough!"

With that, she pushed him out of the room and slammed the door in his face. Chakotay then heard her run across the floor and fall upon the bed weeping. He listened for a while, unsure whether to go in after her or leave her alone, but in the end he decided to leave her alone.

Chakotay stayed in the lounge as promised and ended up staying there all night as he fell asleep on the couch. When he woke up the following morning, he did so with a sore neck, but the ache soon left him as he got up and made breakfast. He didn't feel like much, so just replicated some eggs to scramble. He liked to scramble his own as the replicated variety just wasn't the same. As he carried the eggs over to the stove, he noticed that the spare room door was slightly ajar. Jane had to be up too. He put down the eggs, went over to the room, and knocked the door.

"Jane, I'm having some scrambled eggs. Would you like some?"

No answer.

"Jane?"

When there was still no answer, concern filled him and he pushed open the door.

"Jane?"

But no one answered as there was no one in the room to answer. It was empty. Chakotay went over to the bathroom, hoping to see it in use, but the door was open and it was empty too. In the corner of his eye, Chakotay saw something pink stuck on the mirror and he turned to look at it. It was note. Quickly, he pulled it off the mirror and read it. It said: As you can see I'm gone. Don't worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. Have a good life. J."

The words saddened Chakotay, although he didn't know quite why as this woman was nothing but a stranger to him, but it hurt that she was gone. Sadly, he recycled the note, thinking there was no point in keeping it, but he couldn't get the woman off his mind. She was on it all morning, even when he was supposed to be concentrating on a lecture he was attending with Admiral Felis, and was still on it after lunch. He had to see her again, had to find out exactly who she was. Not just because he was worried about her, but because he wanted too. There was something about her that set his soul alight and he had to find her. But knowing what he had to do, and actually being able to do it, proved to be two very different things. No one he asked knew of her and he couldn't find her anywhere in the hotel. It didn't help that most of the people at the party had left and those remaining were mostly conference guests from other worlds. All night, and the night after that, he hung around the hotel, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but he did not. Then, all too soon, it was time for him to leave and he had to accept that he might never see the woman again.

End of Chapter Two


	3. Chapter 3

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**A Winter's Tale**

**Chapter Three**

**2379**

Chakotay turned away from the window, and from the memories of yesterday, to look once more at the dance floor. That woman who had captivated his senses all those years ago was dancing before him now, and although she had aged by almost three decades, she was just as beautiful to him now as she had been then. For a long time after that eventful night of 2350 he had looked out for her at the academy, but he had never seen her. It was not until he was 75,000 light years away from the Academy that he finally did. She was standing before him on the bridge of her ship, telling him their two stranded crews should work together. The irony of the situation was overwhelming, but if he recognized her, she didn't seem to recognize him. If she did, she didn't mention that night, and as she never mentioned it, he didn't either. Often he thought about bringing it up, thinking it might be best to have things out in the open, but his better judgment told him to let sleeping dogs lie. The Kathryn Janeway he'd saved from an icy death all those years ago was pregnant and this Kathryn Janeway had no children. Voyager was not the place to drag up painful events from her past. Besides, he had a good idea what had happened to the baby and, if he was right, Kathryn had enough to deal with. So he'd said nothing about that night, nothing about what he knew, just let it lie between them unspoken.

In a corner of the room, watching the dancing, was a tall young woman with short brown hair and Chakotay's attention fixed on her now. Her name was Jessica Lucas and she'd been one of the first members of his Maquis crew. She was from a Federation colony near his and like him had seen the destruction of her homeworld at the hands of the Cardassians. Almost everyone she'd ever loved had lost their lives and she'd vowed to avenge their deaths by joining the Maquis. During the time they worked together she had proved to be a fine warrior, clever and brave, but sometimes overzealous and he'd had to reign her in. There was no doubt in his mind that she could really have distinguished herself on Voyager, but she was one of the few members of his crew who resented to the core being on a Starfleet ship, and she'd never acknowledged anyone but him as her leader. She'd even refused to wear a Starfleet uniform, as had several others, and the only way he'd managed to get them to do it was by designing a modified one with an M for Maquis inside. This appeased the rebels and kept the peace. At first he thought Jessica's problem with Kathryn was just political, but as time went by he began to think it went deeper than that. Much deeper. Jessica had once told him the story of her life, one cold stormy night on a desolate planet, and that story, combined with her smile and Kathryn's toleration of her indignation, helped him figure things out.

Slowly, Chakotay made his way through the partying crowd to where Jessica stood. The young woman's eyes were fixed on Kathryn and there was so much sadness in them.

"Hi, Jessica," he said. "How are you doing?"

His words brought her out of her trance and she turned to him.

"I'm fine, thank you, Commander."

"It's hard to believe we're finally home, isn't it?"

"Yes, but Earth isn't my homeworld. Neither is it yours."

"No, but it's the homeworld of our ancestors, that makes it special."

"Not to me. I can't wait to leave. I don't even know why I'm here. I don't want to be."

"Maybe on some level you do," he said gently. "Anger can be a good thing, it can stir us up to fight for a right cause, but it can also be a bad thing because it can make us bitter and cynical. We have to aim our anger at the right place, and that right place is at the Cardassians. Yes, the federation let us down, but it wasn't the federation that destroyed our homeworlds, it was the Cardassians. We can't hold one civilization to blame for the atrocities of another. And if we start to lay blame by default, where does it end? The Cardassians killed our people and the Cardassians alone we must blame. What happened to our loved ones isn't the fault of anyone in this room and it isn't fair to hold them accountable."

Tears filled Jessica's eyes. "I wish I could think like that, Commander, you don't know how much I wish it, but I can't."

"You can," he said, "if you let yourself. Wanting to is half the battle. All these years you've been hostile to the captain because she's starfleet and was on a mission to capture us, but if you could put aside your hostility long enough to get to know her, to listen to why she accepted that mission, then maybe you'd find a bond. It's not too late, Jessica. It's never too late."

The dance finished and Chakotay saw Kathryn look around for him. Gently, he put his hand on Jessica's shoulder. "Think about what I've said."

He then left her and joined Kathryn on the dance floor.

* * *

The party lasted until the early hours of the morning and it was almost 5am by the time Kathryn got to bed. Unusually for her, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and didn't wake until she was disturbed five hours later by the door chime. Groggily, she got out of bed, put on a night robe, and called out. "Come in!"

The doors opened and Jessica came in.

"I'm sorry," she said when she saw Kathryn undressed and ungroomed, "is this a bad time?"

"Not at all," Kathryn replied. "Please, sit down."

Jessica sat on a velour chair and fiddled uncomfortably with her fingers.

"Can I get you a coffee?" Kathryn asked. "I'm having one myself."

"Yes, thank you," Jessica said. "Black, no sugar."

"Just how I like mine," Kathryn smiled. She then went over to the replicator and replicated two mugs of black coffee. "I need at least three cups before I come to in the morning, so forgive me if I'm not fully with it."

Jessica made no reply, just continued to stare at her hands. Kathryn placed the coffee on a table before her and then sat opposite her. For a long moment Kathryn just gazed at her, sadness and affection in her eyes, and then she spoke.

"What brings you here?"

"I don't know," Jessica said quietly. "I just...I'm not the same person I was seven years ago. The things I said to you then, when we got stranded, are not what I think now. At least, they're not what I want to think now. I hated you then for what you represented, for you being on a mission to capture us, but I don't hate you now. Chakotay's always said you had good reasons for what you did and if Chakotay says it then it must be true. I just wish I could understand them. Because how could you do it? How could you try to capture us when we were only fighting for the freedom of our people?"

"Because if I hadn't of accepted the mission," Kathryn said, "Captain Willis would have been given it instead and his hatred towards the Maquis was no secret. If he'd have found you, he wouldn't have captured you, he'd have killed you. Many in Starfleet Command were of his persuasion, and the blowing up of a Maquis ship while trying to capture it would have been written off as an unfortunate incident. I can say this now because Captain Willis is dead and because I want you to know the truth. I didn't take the mission out of political conviction, I took it out of personal compassion. An Admiral who I won't name fought hard to get me the post because like me he was a sympathizer. By that I don't mean I agreed with what you were doing, but I agreed that your cause was just. If Earth had been handed over to the Cardassians I'd have been the first to fight for freedom. I knew there were a lot of good people in the Maquis, people like Chakotay who would lay down their lives for what is moral and just, and unlike some Starfleet officers I had no desire to get involved in the Maquis quarrel. I just wanted to captain an exploration vessel. But when the said Admiral called me into his office and laid everything on the line, how could I refuse the mission? I couldn't, so I didn't."

A tear ran down Jessica's cheek and with a trembling hand she wiped it away. "I've been so wrong, haven't I? You must hate me."

"I could never hate you," Kathryn said softly.

Jessica looked up at her, tears in her pretty blue eyes. "I'm sorry...for all the things I've said, for the way I've always been with you. I just...I was hurting so much inside."

"I understand. You've been through hell and I can't even begin to imagine what it was like. The last thing you needed was our situation to complicate things and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot of things. None of this...the pain, the suffering...was what I wanted for you. It's everything that I didn't want for you. So don't feel guilty for blaming me, Jessica. I am to blame because I made the choices."

"The right ones," Jessica said. "I wouldn't change them. I've always understand why you made the choice you did, and I've never regretted that you did it. That was never a problem, never an issue, my issue was always what you were. I loved my family so much and just being on a Starfleet ship felt like a betrayal. So much so that it made me feel physically sick. It was a long time before that sickness went away. But even when it did, I couldn't think of Voyager as a home, not like the others could. I hated it there so much sometimes that I thought about leaving, but I knew that if I did I'd never see the Alpha Quadrant again. So I got on with things and made the best of it." A tear ran down her cheek. "I just don't know where home is now. My family is dead and my homeworld is uninhabitable. Where do I go? Where do I belong?"

"Here," Kathryn said, "on Earth. Your family were from here and it's here they'd want you to be, I'm sure of it. When I was about your age I lost my father and fiancé in a shuttle crash. I was with them when it happened, but instead of dying with them, I survived. For a long time afterwards I hated myself for living, for not being able to save them, but slowly I came to see that my crime was not in living, but in being unhappy. When they lived, my father and fiancé took joy in my happiness, and nothing would have hurt them more than to see me unhappy. The best way I could honor them was by living my life to the full. And the same goes for you. You won't betray your family by living in the land of their ancestors, a land that was to them a second home, you'll betray them by being unhappy."

"You're right," she said. "Chakotay's right. Earth is home now. I just...I need home to be more than an ancestral place. I need...."

Kathryn finished the sentence she couldn't. "Love there."

Jessica nodded tearfully. "Do you think we could...I mean...is it to late...for us?"

"No," Kathryn said, taking her trembling hand in hers. "There's nothing I'd like more."

Jessica smiled now, laughing almost in joy, and Kathryn squeezed her hand tight.

* * *

Silver stars and a pearl white moon glistened over Hotel Rosalere. From a bench beneath a black tree, Chakotay gazed at the clear night sky for a while, then turned his attention back to the happy people skating on a frozen lake.

"Want to take a turn?"

The voice was Kathryn's and Chakotay looked up at her.

"Me?" he smiled, "I don't think so. Take a tumble would be more like it."

Kathryn laughed. "You know what they say, practise makes perfect."

"Not in this instance. I tried to skate once and busted my ankle. Never again."

"Then can I persuade you to take a walk with me?"

"Yes," Chakotay said, getting to his feet. "That you can do."

Arm in arm, Kathryn and Chakotay walked around the lake, through the hotel's beautiful winter garden, and onto the path that lead to the entrance.

"When we talked on Voyager about getting home," Kathryn said as they walked down the stony path, "you never once asked me why I wanted the celebrations anywhere but here. I thought, maybe, you'd forgotten I said that. It was a long time ago. But you remembered."

Chakotay said nothing, just let her direct the conversation like she was the walk.

"The mind, the memory, is a strange thing," she went on. "Some things it forgets, others it never does. Some things we can remember vividly, even to the finest detail, other things are shrouded in a haze."

They reached the turn off for the cabins and Kathryn led him down it.

"The night that made this beautiful place a terrible one to me is like that. I can barely remember it, everything is lost in a fog, but through that haze I can see some things clearly." She stopped outside a cabin, let go of Chakotay's arm, and turned to him. "This cabin is one of them."

Chakotay flinched. This was the cabin he had stayed in that fateful night, the cabin he had brought her to. Did she remember him? Had she remembered him all these years?

Kathryn pressed a button next to the door and it slid open.

"I need to face some ghosts," she said. "Coming in?"

Chakotay nodded and followed her inside. As they stepped into the living room, cozy golden lights came on and an amber fire lip up in the hearth. The door shut behind them and closed out the icy night air.

"I see two ghosts here," she said. "One of them is a young girl, a despairing young girl who thought her life was over, and the other is a kind young man who ensured that it wasn't." She turned slowly to face Chakotay and looked deep into his eyes. "The man is you and the girl...the girl you've always known to be me."

"Yes," he said, holding her gaze. "I've known since our first meeting on Voyager. I saw that young girl in the woman before me on the bridge."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I wasn't sure until now that he was you. For a long time I didn't even suspect it, even though you were strangely familiar to me, but then little by little I did. You seemed to know things, understand things, that you couldn't possibly know or understand. A part of me wanted to ask you, to have things out in the open, but another part of me didn't. And that part was the stronger part. So long as we didn't talk about it, didn't address it, then it didn't have to be real. A suspicion unconfirmed is better sometimes than a fact proved."

"I felt the same," Chakotay said. "Even though I knew she was you, I didn't know if you knew he was me. I didn't call myself Chakotay then, called myself Kay. I thought Chakotay was too tribal and I resented all things tribal." He paused. "Sometimes I felt sure that you knew he was me, but most of the time I was convinced that you didn't. You were very upset that night and an upset mind doesn't register much."

"I was. I thought my world had come to an end, but just like you said, it went on spinning and I had worse nights. But my world only went on because of you. You saved my life that night and I never thanked you. So I thank you now."

"I never expected thanks," he said. "I just wanted to help you."

"And you did. More than you can know."

"I looked for you. For weeks, even months, I tried to find you, but I couldn't."

"And I'm glad. Because I was so afraid that you would. I was afraid you'd find out who I really was and let out my secret."

"I'd never have done that."

"I know that now but I didn't then. And I can't tell you how relieved I was when you didn't find me."

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "What happened? How did your parents react?"

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and she looked down. "I never told them. I gave the baby up for fetal adoption and got on with my life as though it had never happened." She paused. "But you know that, don't you? You figured it out. You know that Jessica's my daughter."

"I do now," he said. "Before I only suspected it. Her life history, your life history, they were a perfect match. And the way you acted around her, the way you let her get away with things that no one else would have, seemed to confirm it." He paused. "How did you find out she was your daughter?"

"The Doctor told me. He found out from studying our medical files and thought it was best that we both knew. Of course, Jessica already knew that I was her biological mother as I was registered as such. I could hardly believe it when the Doctor told me. For so long I'd wondered about her, missed her even, and then she turns up on my ship in the middle of the Delta Quadrant. I had no idea she was in the Maquis, had no idea that her family had relocated to a colony in the demilitarized zone when she was just a baby. But if the Doctor was hoping for an emotional reunion, he was disappointed. Jessica didn't want anything to do with me. She said it was because I was Starfleet, but I wondered if the real reason was because I gave her up." She paused. "I didn't want to, Chakotay. I wanted to keep her. I wanted to so much, but I was afraid. I was terrified of what my father would do if he found out and I was scared of Max. He told me that night at the party that he would ruin me if I said anything to his wife about us and he meant it. So I decided on adoption and got an adoption agency in New York City to sort everything out. They gave me a brochure of people waiting to adopt and I picked out a couple with two kids. I thought that would be nice...for my baby to have a brother and a sister. The fetal transplant was performed the next day and as soon as it was done I returned to San Francisco. I never told Max and he died not knowing." She paused. "It hurt like hell afterwards. Every time I saw a baby I died inside and wished with all my heart that I could undo things, but I know I did the right thing because Jessica needed so much more than I could give her. I just wish her family hadn't relocated so she wouldn't have lost them the way she did."

"Them not relocating wouldn't have been security against that happening," Chakotay said. "Her family could easily have been caught up in a conflict while traveling. Lots of people have. And even if they hadn't died at the Cardassians hands, they could have died sme other way. We can't possibly know these things. Because even if we go to the future to find out, there's every chance that future has changed by the time we get back to the present. Who's to say what would have happened if they'd stayed? Or even if you'd kept her? You made the decision that was right at the time and you can't reproach yourself for that."

"No," she said. "And I don't. At least, not anymore. I finally feel at peace with everything. Talking with Jessica today helped. She came to see me this morning and I really think things are going to work out between us."

"I'm glad," Chakotay smiled. "People come in and out of our lives for a reason, and there's a reason why Jessica came back into yours. I don't believe in coincidence. Some things are beyond chance."

"It certainly seems that way. The odds of you and Jessica both ending up on my ship have to be billions to one. The irony of it all made me doubt that you were really the man who saved me. It seemed too ironic to be true." She broke away from Chakotay and looked around the cabin. "And the fates have brought us here again. How the great wheel turns."

"Always," Chakotay said. "And no matter how many times it has to roll, it always brings us to the right place at the right time."

"Yes," Kathryn said, turning back to him. "And that right place for us is right here, right now. I once told Seven that sometimes we have to look back to go forward and I think that's what we've done. So let's move forward. Let's put the ghosts of yesterday to rest and embrace tomorrow. There's a whole new life waiting for us and I'd like....I'd like us to live it together."

Chakotay closed the small gap between them, standing so close that their bodies touched. "Are you saying what I think you are?"

Kathryn nodded. "I could never say it on Voyager, there were too many obstacles, but there are none now and I can. I love you, Chakotay. I love you with all that I am."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes and he gathered her close. "Oh Kathryn. I love you too, I've always loved you."

Kathryn held him in return and they held each other tight, held each other long. Then they drew away and gazed at each other in joy and in awe.

"I fell in love with you that night," Chakotay said. "When you walked into the hall, your hair loose over your shoulders, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I still think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Kathryn smiled. "Careful, mister. Flattery might get you everywhere."

Chakotay laughed softly and then they gazed into each other's eyes again.

"I've longed so much for your love," he said. "Longed so much it's hurt."

"Me too," she confessed. "Keeping a distance between us on Voyager was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." A tear ran down her cheek. "It feels like a dream to finally be able to touch you. I've ached too, more than you know."

"I know," he said. "I have too." Softly, he ran his fingers over her lips. "And to kiss you."

Kathryn could hardly breathe at his caress, and when he lowered his lips to hers and kissed her, he took her breath away.

"This cabin is mine for the night," she said when they finally drew away. "Shall we stay?"

"On one condition," Chakotay teased. "There are no goodbye notes on the mirror in the morning."

"No notes," Kathryn laughed, "I promise."

Chakotay smiled and then they kissed again in the amber glow of dancing flames.

THE END


End file.
